Well, it's been about 9 months since I last updated and 3 months (which seems crazy to me!) since I made the big move to P-town. Things here are......good.
Honestly, it's been a huge adjustment.It was a fairly out of character move for me to pick up and move to another state, and in accordance with my character I have been resistant to this change, just like I am with all changes in my life. I kick, and scream, and cry while in the transition and then afterwards feel very happy and proud that I did it, and I can obviously point out the many wonderful benefits of the change I resisted so fiercely.
My poor mother growing up! Every new teacher, new class, any new experience she would have to endure my panic, my tears, and my apparent sheer terror at the prospect of doing something new and different. She was always very supportive, she would give me a hug, tell me it was going to be OK, and then make me go do it despite my protests because she knew how much it would benefit me after the initial struggle.
I suppose that picking up and moving out to Portland shows that I am in some small measure becoming a grown up. I had the foresight that my mother has had for me my entire life, the foresight to know that although it would be a struggle, and there would be tears and resistance, the benefit would far outweigh the fear and the risk eventually.
Now I'm ready to get to the "eventually" part. I feel that I have stayed in the struggle, in the tears, long enough. Unfortunately, that is not the way that life works and making a move across several states is a much bigger transition than getting a new job, or taking a new class. Portland is beautiful, and weird in a perfectly charming way, and unique and fresh and wonderful! But being here without many of my closest "people" seems to dull the colors, make the charm seem slightly less so, and takes more of the "wonderfulness" out of it than I would like to admit. I find myself wanting to shut myself away rather than go out and explore the wonderful weirdness. The loneliness I sometimes feel is so sharp, and it takes away my breath with its intensity. I feel like my friendliness, and quirkiness, and passion for life are lost without my friends to acknowledge them and label them, and me as worthwhile and interesting.
Luckily, in this life, each new day is also a new beginning. The opportunity to change, and grow, and explore is never lost. It's constantly there, waiting to be taken advantage of. I slowly feel my sense of inspiration, and excitement, and passion returning to me. I am going to be starting at a school for children with Autism next week, and I am SO excited to be doing something I so dearly love once again. When I am deep in doing what I love I feel more alive, and I feel like the opportunities around me seem to open up when I am energized and invested. I swear, those kiddos give more to me than I would ever hope to be able to give back to them. I'm excited to meet new people, and make new connections here. I am excited to be able to truly appreciate all that this amazing city has to offer. I am excited to be myself, here. To be happy.
Honestly, it's been a huge adjustment.It was a fairly out of character move for me to pick up and move to another state, and in accordance with my character I have been resistant to this change, just like I am with all changes in my life. I kick, and scream, and cry while in the transition and then afterwards feel very happy and proud that I did it, and I can obviously point out the many wonderful benefits of the change I resisted so fiercely.
My poor mother growing up! Every new teacher, new class, any new experience she would have to endure my panic, my tears, and my apparent sheer terror at the prospect of doing something new and different. She was always very supportive, she would give me a hug, tell me it was going to be OK, and then make me go do it despite my protests because she knew how much it would benefit me after the initial struggle.
I suppose that picking up and moving out to Portland shows that I am in some small measure becoming a grown up. I had the foresight that my mother has had for me my entire life, the foresight to know that although it would be a struggle, and there would be tears and resistance, the benefit would far outweigh the fear and the risk eventually.
Now I'm ready to get to the "eventually" part. I feel that I have stayed in the struggle, in the tears, long enough. Unfortunately, that is not the way that life works and making a move across several states is a much bigger transition than getting a new job, or taking a new class. Portland is beautiful, and weird in a perfectly charming way, and unique and fresh and wonderful! But being here without many of my closest "people" seems to dull the colors, make the charm seem slightly less so, and takes more of the "wonderfulness" out of it than I would like to admit. I find myself wanting to shut myself away rather than go out and explore the wonderful weirdness. The loneliness I sometimes feel is so sharp, and it takes away my breath with its intensity. I feel like my friendliness, and quirkiness, and passion for life are lost without my friends to acknowledge them and label them, and me as worthwhile and interesting.
Luckily, in this life, each new day is also a new beginning. The opportunity to change, and grow, and explore is never lost. It's constantly there, waiting to be taken advantage of. I slowly feel my sense of inspiration, and excitement, and passion returning to me. I am going to be starting at a school for children with Autism next week, and I am SO excited to be doing something I so dearly love once again. When I am deep in doing what I love I feel more alive, and I feel like the opportunities around me seem to open up when I am energized and invested. I swear, those kiddos give more to me than I would ever hope to be able to give back to them. I'm excited to meet new people, and make new connections here. I am excited to be able to truly appreciate all that this amazing city has to offer. I am excited to be myself, here. To be happy.
1 comment:
Heather..........!!!!! I love your blog and post. Keep posting it on facebook. It's really great to read, and I'm really glad that you get to start at the school soon.
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