New Beginnings

Hello world! I have decided to use this blog as a way to focus on myself, as a tool for enriching myself and learning about my own inner strength,. I have realized more and more over my lifetime that I am a person that struggles with loving herself. I realize that the moments I feel the most alive, the most worthwhile and engaged in the moment are times when I am with the people I love, engaged with them and focused on my relationship with them and who I am in terms of that relationship. I think that is one of the reasons I love my job and am good at it. When I am with the kiddos, I can pour myself into teaching them, playing with them, and loving them. I can be completely engaged and involved with them and I don't have to focus on myself. Because I tend to frame my own self-image based off of the times when I am engaged with others I kind of fall apart when I am without that. When I am alone I almost obsess about the people I love and what I could do to love them better, or why they don't supposedly love me as much as I love them. I think about the ways in which I am not being a good enough friend or person and the reasons they would prefer to be with someone else. I feel unloved and like I am not a priority when they choose to spend time elsewhere, and that kills me because I feel like I would do anything for them and make them a priority all of the time. Which I realize, especially reading back on it, is not a healthy way to deal with others or with myself. It leads to me acting and feeling like a victim a lot of the time. Because I am willing to give an unhealthy amount of myself to the people around me, I sometimes unfairly expect the same of them, and when they do not or can not give me that I lash out at them and treat them in a way they do not deserve.


Anyways, enough talking,. I can analyze and analyze and talk and talk about a situation. It is something I am very good at at enjoy doing a bit too much! :) The point is that now it is time for me to do something. To change my focus and to figure out ways that I can be completely engaged in and present in my life even when I'm not completely engaged with the people I love. I am a wonderful person. I am intelligent, beautiful (something I'm still working on accepting), strong, opinionated and I have a whole lot to give to the world. I need to work on being positive and having faith in myself that I can do hard things, that I am worthwhile and I need to become the most important person in my life. As soon as I can truly love myself I will be able to love those around me that much more completely and fully. So, that is what this blog will be focused on.